At the age of 17 I felt my first Sting of therapy.
The type of sting that causes jaded stereotypes and an inability to ever step into that space again.
I had ventured into therapy, due to the fact that my mother was confused and hurting and my father did not know what to do anymore, they had raise their white flag in hopes that the space will provide answers that they could not get from my flaming mouth.
I remember this day so clear.
I had had fleeting experiences with other therapists but none seemed to cure the pain … that was my life.
& each time developed more of a sting.
This time it was a brand new therapist, a stranger to me, and a stranger to my journey. We had never met … we had never spoken and this would be my very first time venturing into the space.
But this time was different:
My father was going to be there.
I remember my mother getting my Hell bent self in the car as I spewed how much of a waste of money this would be & spoke of disgust and hatred to the thought that someone would think it was a good idea to put two such colliding souls in a room, when we couldn’t even pass by one another without yelling.
But, as I was spewing out of complete normality now of my current behaviors, something else inside had shifted, there was a piece of me that wanted to completely shed the anger filed armor that I had been wearing every single day, that was exhausting me unknown to others, & I suddenly wanted to just burst out in tears instead of these relentless roars of cursing that were compiled crammed full of confusion and anger.
I wanted to weep.
A piece of me was anxious and nervous and messily relieved all in one.
Finally, an opportunity to be seen and heard by my own father. An opportunity to roll up my sleeves and convey the pain that I had processed on my arms and the confusion and the Bewilderment that caused me to lash out & the depression that was deep inside my soul begging to be loved.
When I would gaze out the window, I found myself planning every word and thinking of how each moment would unfold. In my thinking, for the first time…
I was going to be able to be seen in all that I am and in all that that I’m struggling with and not fight about it for one second … so that maybe even for a moment he might get it, he might get me.
I remember looking at the condominiums, stacked all next to one another, prepping myself inside as I walked in to the marble floors and what seemed to be wood paneling … as there is a door to my left.
I walked in and my father was already sitting… beside him a woman with glasses who was sitting upright in a sophisticated and completely uncomfortable looking chair with a solemn lighting in the room.
I took a deep breath
The type when your crying so hard that the breath seems to be a relief from your body
I rolled up my sleeves
And for one moment had grace with my scarred skin
and was about to Break down the inner workings of my ever troubled hurting mind
I was interrupted
This woman, who I did not know, seemed to know all that she needed to know about me.
She had told my father … everything & together they had devised a plan of what was to happen next with me, without any further discussion.
I had this incredible burst of disappointment heartache, betrayal and that I had just lost the only opportunity that I had to have this conversation with my own father
She had taken that from me
She had looked into the eyes of my father and told him a pain that shecould not possibly understand due to it being present, right then, in my soul
& in that moment I felt shame that I even thought it would’ve been a possibility
I shut down
I threw my hands up and I ran out of the room
Into a small grassed area of where all offices surrounded
And I roared
The only way I felt all the emotions within me could possibly be heard at once
Once again, the window of authenticity had closed & was not going to be reopened for quite some time
I just wanted those moments
I just wanted to be heard
I just wanted to be asked
I wanted help ….
I wanted to be seen again.
But not as a project & or as a mistake
But in where I was in all of its mess
& still be seen as worthy and love.
I would bring therapy into the discussion often, due to my line of work, and would bring the power and importance of the sacredness of therapy to the table of many many discussions… but I sure as hell wasn’t dining.
It just “wasn’t for me”
Well about a year ago, I’ve ventured back
With all my sting along with it
I stepped into the space with a therapist for two visits and then third visit
… I came to her office & it was empty and she had left the agency
My mind “Psht, not doing this again”
I took this as a sure sign that therapy just wasn’t for me
They told me they had one other person they would like me to try out…
At this point, i knew I desired healing, the type I didn’t wanna venture to all by myself …
So, I gave it another shot
This woman looked nothing like myself, she was fierce and had a bold energy about her.
She was truthful, spoke it like it was and brought realness to the table
She looked at me intently, she listened and she would question me in a way that had me digging into my soul without me even realizing it
She was intelligent & she correlated my life and my journey with history and research
In a way that challenged me to follow up, ask for websites, articles & to read through the copies of chapters of books that she would send my way, that she felt would resonate with me
She stepped into my life with me in a way that is kind of hard to put into words
To be seen in the mist of healing is one of the most powerful forces I think there is
She listened actively, she questioned me by empowering me, even when she knew it would bring me to moments of shift within my life & most importantly she heard me and she saw me and my straight up rawness, my bareness & in my complete truth
Within the confines of her office space:
I have healed through some places within that I never fathomed I would come up against again
I have really learned my journey, in its realness, chapter by chapter & I have picked up the pieces of my brokenness where the dirt has lay dormant & I planted flowers watered them and continue to watch them grow so boldly, fiercely, and rightfully
I have been able to witness childhood Jaydee who lived a life of simplicity, the adolescent and teenager jaydee who was reckless and relentless and so so full of pain and cagedenness, the girl who became a woman while venturing through numbness and the woman I am right now…. who I love in all of it & who I am very proud to stand strongly in.
I have been able to see how I needed to love some areas of myself & some chapters of my life so much more deeply and genuinely in a way that I couldn’t even fathom so that I can better love the woman I am today.
She has seen me finally weep in areas that have been covered in rage, she has seen me finally feel rage in areas that I have wept for far too long & she has seen me finally celebrate instead of strive to just get after the next thing, she has seen me love myself once again she has seen me tear apart myself, she has seen me trudge through my darkness in order to find even just a speck of light and she has seen me unfold some pieces of my life that I had refused to look at … and has been present, with me, in every single moment.
She for real did life all over again with me, in a way that has freed me and empowered me and brought healing and awareness to my soul and the way I live my life in all entities.
This week i said goodbye to her as she’s going to continue to sparkle her magic in different areas of the city but I could not bare to leave that space for the last time and not allow her to know what a divine impact she has had on my life .
This year she has held such sacred supportive loving space for me that I’m gonna be grateful for for the rest of my life.
What she gave me was not even what I thought I was going in there searching for
She gave me the ability to see the importance and the honor that it is to simply witness someone do some of the most profound and greatest work of their life & I I saw the impact but now I feel that & will honor that with those I work with every single day
Within our society there is so much sting around and surrounding therapy
Stigmas, labels, and so so much sting is correlated with difficult and toxic experiences
& I am so sorry for that.
We need to shift our conversations around therapy & embrace, empower and advocate for others to see they are worthy of having space and time devoted solely to themselves.
A place to process, a place to be heard, a place to gain tools, awareness and skills
to live their life in all its authenticity & in a way, space and time that allows creative expression and the gift to outwardly verbally heal in a way that challenges you, brings honor to your journey, and that causes you to step out of your comfort zone, out of your mind & to be able to claim things to be humbled in, be held accountable for and to grow within.
So you can be who you were intended to be.
But most importantly ….
to be asked, to be heard and to take some radical ownership of your life.
I’m here to tell you I felt the sting
& at the end of the day … I can heal alone
But there is power and beauty and resilience when you are intentional in being seen in that in a safe and healthy space with someone who is more than willing to create that space .
Unfortunately, some of your most sacred beauty and growth and resilience, self love, self worth, wisdom, and source of empowerment comes from finding beauty, acknowledgment & healing from our wounds & you don’t need to feel as though you have to unpack that on your own.
You may vibe with one when you meet them, you may not, test the waters… and if you don’t feel it at first, step into discomfort and try another.
But first … you gotta try.
Also,therapy is for straight up everyone & doesn’t only suite one type of journey.
Aka you do not have to have the beautiful mess of a life, such as mine, to have sacred space to express yourself in a judgment fee zone.
Every soul is worthy of this.
Hit me up if you are looking for a therapist
I have compiled a radical and fierce list of magical humans and I would be more than happy to share .
The Soul Grind