Alright humans, welcome to the third installment of this series Beyond the Bar. Now, I know the last post was about as heavy the weight of your student loans but this month’s post will be much easier to digest. (Well, maybe. You might still get butt hurt, but that sounds like a personal problem to me, fam.)
Tonight we’re focusing on (brace for shock) Halloween. I mean, how could we not? ‘Tis the season, am I right? So with that, let’s talk about what people in my profession are thinking when you stroll into our bar on Halloween. I’m going to run through my top 10 lamest things you all could show up in. Get prepared, grab a whiskey, and enjoy:
*Disclaimer: This content is not to sway you from your reckless decision making. Please continue “living your best life”… I simply am here to remind you that your best laugh, is in fact our evening’s entertainment come late October every. single. year. Let’s get started.
#10 White Claw Costume
Congratulations, you’re going to be a problem.
You decided to go to a bar dressed up as alcohol? The only thing more reckless than your costume choice is you as a person. I can smell terrible life choices on you like it’s Chanel No. 5.
From the moment you walked into the bar I’ve been fantasizing about cutting you off. Why are you yelling your order? There’s 20 people in here.
You’re wondering why we are so dead. I’m wondering why you’re 2AM drunk at 7:30PM.
#9 Game of Thrones Character(s)
At first you are going to be great.
Your orders are simple to understand and accompanied with some great conversation. I’ll really enjoy having you at the bar and so will everyone else…soon it will become very apparent that you are the house favorite…
But as more and more time goes by, you’re going to start getting weird. You will contradict everything you said and stood for at the beginning of the night. You are going to start to get sloppy — not really making any sense but never really get the point where I feel a need to cut you off. You are allowed to stay until last call.
I hate to say it, but I wish you would’ve left three seas…I mean hours ago.
Dude, you’re straight up weird. You were that kid that got a little too much enjoyment out of burning things with a magnifying glass in the summer.
Avenged Sevenfold was your religion, and you’re still pissed at your parents for not letting you get snake bites when you were 13. Now you’re an adult in “Corporate America” and the only times of year you can truly be yourself are Halloween and Electric Forest (it would be Burning Man, too, but you haven’t gotten that invite yet). So now you’re at the bar, creeping everyone out with your heavy breathing, death stares and vodka cokes.
#7 “Sexy” Mister Rogers
Show some damn respect.
How dare you bring the most wholesome soul to ever grace this planet into your life of sin. Look, I get you had an awkward phase junior year of high school, but that doesn’t mean you can just walk around blatantly disrespecting a damn legend.
#6 Harry Potter Character
The only thing you hate more than the bar are the friends who made you come out.
You didn’t even buy this costume for Halloween, you just own it. And the wand didn’t come with it, it’s from a separate set that cost your more than your glasses from Zenni Optical (you will legit stab someone if they touch it).
You know your house and your patronus. I will try to talk about the movie, but as soon as you realize I haven’t read the books, you’ll dismiss me and label me a fake fan. I’m not worthy — correction no one is worthy.
You’ll be home by 10:30PM.
#5 White Guy Dressed as Lil Wayne
We get it, you sold weed in 2009.
The only thing you’ve ran back more than that costume is your burned copy of No Ceilings. You are a creature of habit; you went from well bourbon and Coke to Woodford and Coke just because it’s more expensive.
You are kind of corny, but at the end of the day you are consistent. I can respect that.
#4 Fashion Nova Costume
If we only have Titos and Ketel, you will want Absolut or Grey Goose. If we have Absolute or Grey Goose, you’ll want Titos and Ketel. If we have all four, you’ll want Finlandia.
Difficult is your middle name, and Halloween is your Victoria street fashion show.
You’ve been doing keto for the past three month just to get this fit off. Vodka waters only because vodka soda will make you bloated. You aren’t out to have fun, you’re out to be seen.
Having fun is for ugly people. You wouldn’t dare.
You just got off work and I already know you’re thinking,“I just finished a 12-hour shift. I’m not even about to change into a costume just to go out. This is my costume.”
First off, you’re not slick, ma (I know Norton scrubs when I see them). Secondly, and most importantly, I get it. You’re the only one out of your group of degenerates that was able to pull it together enough to get a degree. You have a good job; “you’ve got it together.” But once you clock out, get that first vodka soda down and let your hair down — you revert back to your old self, you know, the beautiful dumpster fire we all know and love.
#2 Man in Dress/Shirtless Man
You are blackout, and we know that as we see you walk in the bar.
To be fair, you have to be blackout to be walking around half naked at night in late October.
Literally zero people asked you to do this. As a matter of fact, everyone you know tried to talk you out of it…but you did it anyways because, ‘Merica.
I have nothing to say to you because I’m literally avoiding you. I’m not serving you, dude. You’re the human manifestation of Sharknado. We don’t want to watch you, but we have to. Why? Because we don’t know how you could get any worse than you are now, but we know you will.
#1 No Costume
You are the epitome of joyless. You went out on the one day it is damn near required to be dressed up and you show up as yourself.
I don’t have anything to say to you, but also your first drink is on me. Respect.
Welp, that’s all I have this time since, to be honest, this post was partially created as filler content until my next one. I mean last month I told you how much you suck at being an adult, so this month I had to take it easy and just make fun of your general ideas of creative expressions of yourself.
But don’t worry — I do have a takeaway for you, as always (because, yes, I am that great). What should you leave this experience with? The lesson that just because you’re dressed like an idiot doesn’t mean you need to act like one. Stay safe, weirdos.
See you next time.
Sips for Thought #4
3 oz Vodka
Hold the dignity
Tonight you need to be skinny, pride is irrelevant.